11 days ago I woke up with a slight sore throat. Choosing to ignore this small yet powerful sign I went full speed ahead into my busy over planned life. A Garth Brooks concert, a shopping trip, a family dinner, tax work, book edits, speech writing, exercise, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning ( and that was just two of the days)
So, when I woke up Monday morning unable to move from my bed, I had a “slight inkling” that I was sick.
Hours later, I was really sick. Then I did the unthinkable.
I cancelled my week.
Not just my day, but my week. I decided that it was time to honor being sick for the first time in my life and I laid down on the couch- Dotterra oil capsules full of goodies to relieve my sickness, Netflix remote in my hand and I allowed myself to believe I could just relish in nothingness and get well. Somewhere between old episodes of Ally McBeal and the Kardashians, I fell into a scene out of Jerry McGuire writing out his mission statement in a flu stupor and I began to cry. My granddaughter who was here to take care of me witnessed this melt down of massive proportion and she quietly stepped around me with eyes wide, putting her headphones in.
ME: “I cant take it anymore” I explained, “life has to change, he, has to change, she, has to change, this has to change, that has to change” “I’ve had enough saying yes, I’m only saying no from now on, nobody is getting anything from me anymore, nobody appreciates me” Blah, Blah, Blah, the pity party had begun. As the melt down progressed and my eyes became too puffy to open, I fell into a deep sleep- waking sometime in the afternoon to silence. In that silence, I realized that I was not just sick from a cold or flu, but that I had been emotionally spent and unavailable to everyone, even to myself and my personal spirit said “enough”.
This illness had way more to do with my emotions and the conditions I had been living. It was no coincidence that the work I had been doing with my life coach was on “Honoring your resistance” this week. I was resisting everything! I knew I loved my new office but all I could see there was an old work pattern that had once made me physically sick. The old me took working way too seriously and once I would start in, I would go for hours and hours and not look up at life even to eat.
I thought I had broken this pattern years ago, but there I was tuning everything important out. I resisted the property refinance process that other people were depending on me for because it meant I had to get real with my financial picture- an examination I long ignored.
I resisted looking at and letting go of the power struggle I had created in my relationship in my plight to “just do me” the last few months. I resisted winter, refusing to take off my flip flops, even in the icy rain.
My boyfriend, seeing that I was not getting better, whisked me off to the 16th floor of a high rise hotel that was equipped with a sunken tub in the room and I proceeded to spend the next three days soaking in a tub and soaking up silence. Slowly, this new unraveled me began to come to light. I prayed for my health and the health of those I loved. I forgave all the things I had kept dormant – some for years- I laughed at the irony of thinking of myself as some esteemed spiritual advisor, yet I couldn’t even see the connection of my own mind and body three days earlier.
I realized that self love, although the most important part of my growth this past year, actually also meant that I had been neglecting the part of me that equally enjoyed being selfless as well. I had mastered self love but let go of the part of me that also enjoyed to give and to help others. It became clear that I had to balance my self love with love for others selflessly and I still had to master honoring my own boundaries as well. I woke up one of those days and cried about the past mistakes, and then I remembered it was okay not to look back, because I wasn’t going that way. I no longer needed the strength to hold on, what I needed was the strength to let go. Cleanest filling ever!
I woke up the next morning to one of the most beautiful sunrises I had ever seen (go to my FB page to see) and I silently committed to myself, my family and my friendships to be the best me I could for all of them while I stayed true to myself. To love each and everyone of them like the Meghan Trainor song I played over and over in my mind ” Like I’m going to lose you ” and I started the first day of my new birth year peaceful in my heart for the first time in a long time. I knew that I was organically changed inside. The illness is lifting, the light is growing inside and the me that I love is returning. Balance was the key. This is where the rubber meets the road for me. This year I will balance. Self love – selfless love ~ work-play ~ friend time-alone time ~ and family, well #1 is family. Happy Birthday to me. Welcome to cathslife = #grateful #selflove #familylove #globallove